I ask my boys the same question every day: "Who are you?"
Their responses are based on knowing the answer to another question: "Who do you want to be?"
In our family, we practice a simple goal-setting process that starts with understanding who you want to become by the time you graduate from high school and then again when you graduate from college.
Once we understand the answer to that question, we do three things: Commit. Plan. Pay.
What I have learned over the years is that before you can pay the price, you need clarity on your identity. You need to know who you are, and you need to know who you want to become.
Throughout our lives, we will play many different roles. In my case, my roles have included husband, father, friend, Navy SEAL, entrepreneur, author, speaker, and coach. You might not have the same roles, but you will certainly be asked to lead in a variety of capacities throughout your life. That is why understanding the answer to the question "Who are you?" becomes so important.
Wellbeing is paramount because it represents the health and joy of our state of being. Success is often nothing more than the byproduct of performance, but what good is success if we don't enjoy the journey?
Most of life is not lived in moments of success. It is lived through our daily efforts. When you find meaning and joy in those efforts, you are already succeeding because you are enjoying the moments that ultimately make up your life.
The biggest struggles I have experienced in life have often occurred when transitioning from one role to another. One of the most difficult was leaving the SEAL Teams and becoming a civilian. What I discovered through that struggle was that my true identity had not changed at all. My values had not changed. My character had not changed. My grit, determination, discipline, and resilience had not changed.
The only thing that changed was my uniform.
For a long time, I confused the role with the person. I thought being a Navy SEAL was who I was, when in reality it was simply one expression of who I was. The values and character that helped me become a SEAL were still there after I took off the uniform. It took me time to understand that revelation, but once I did, everything changed.
The better I became at recognizing that the core of who I am remained unchanged, the better I became at embracing new challenges. And the better I became at embracing new challenges, the more I experienced growth, struggle, fulfillment, and yes, joy.
One of the greatest sources of fulfillment in my life is helping my boys, friends, and clients become who they want to be. When you know who you want to become, then we can go to work.
My oldest son Henry provides a great example. When he graduated from college and moved from Santa Barbara to New York City to begin his career at Adobe, he faced one of the biggest transitions of his life. New city. New job. New people. New expectations. During transitions like these, it is easy to focus on everything that feels uncomfortable. Instead, I encourage people to ask, "Who do I want to be in this role?" Henry's answer was simple: "Dad, I'm the top SDR at Adobe." At the time, he was brand new to the company. Today, after only a short period of time, he earned a President's Club trip faster than any SDR in Adobe history.
His younger brother Charlie was on a different journey. As a sophomore in high school, Charlie decided he wanted to become the top water polo goalie in his graduating class. That was a monster goal considering he had only started playing water polo part-time in seventh grade after focusing most of his energy on soccer and rugby. Once Charlie decided who he wanted to become, his actions changed. He practiced differently. He prepared differently. He competed differently. Today, Charlie is a two-time USC co-captain, a league champion, and an All-American. More importantly, he still uses the same mindset process today that he used when he first committed to that goal.
The same principle applied to John. John wanted to become one of the best offensive linemen in the country. While he did not achieve every ranking goal he originally set, he practiced every day as if he were already becoming that player. That mindset helped him become the first true freshman in University of Washington football history to start the opening game of a season. He went on to start 11 games as a true freshman, earn one of the highest pass-blocking grades among freshmen in the country, and achieve the goal he had set for himself when he arrived on campus.
Their youngest brother William is actively pursuing his own high school goal, one similar to his older brother Charlie. And you can bet he knows who he is every day when he arrives on the pool deck for practice.
I share these stories not to boast about my boys, but to reinforce a simple principle. When you are clear about what you want, the next step is embracing that identity in the present. I want you thinking and acting as if you are already becoming the embodiment of your goal.
If your child's goal is to become first-chair violinist in the school orchestra and they are just beginning their freshman year, then help them believe they can sit in that chair now. When people start thinking like champions, they begin acting like champions. And when they consistently take champion-like actions, remarkable things begin to happen. That is where the magic lives. Not in wishing or hoping, but in the daily actions that reinforce who they believe they are becoming.
To reinforce this way of thinking, I ask my boys early and often: "Who are you?"
Over time, they begin to believe they are becoming the person they seek to be. When you believe in who you are and consistently take actions that support that identity, you will surprise yourself with what you can achieve.
As you face life's many transitions, remember two things:
Who you are.
Who you want to be.
It is easy to become distracted by your shortcomings when entering a new role. It is easy to focus on the inconveniences, frustrations, and uncertainties that come with change. Don't. Those distractions are nothing more than energy-draining traps that pull your focus away from what matters most.
The irony is that who you are made the next role possible.
The very qualities that brought you here are the same qualities that will help you succeed in what comes next. Keep your focus where it belongs, on who you seek to become, and then take the daily actions required to become that person.
Here's a friendly reminder as you embrace life's transitions: You are built to Be Unstoppable.
You can do more than you realize. Always remember who you are and then have the courage to dream audaciously about who you want to become. Once you make that decision, go be that person every day.
So I ask you: Who are you?
And just as importantly: Who do you want to be?
CHARLIE MIKE.
Alden